2004-09-26 - 4:37 p.m.

it's late sunday afternoon.
i have lost all momentum and so cannot even be compelled to capitalise things. although, when was the last time i did that?
jim is watching sunday afternoon pro football (packers vs. the colts, both good teams), and i am taking some time to blog.
last night i had a curious little dilemma. at about midnight i had an overwhelming urge to *write*, but i didn't know where i might do that. my journal now is my travel journal--it is very small and fits in the palm of one hand. it only feels right when i am writing in it whilst i am on the road, isn't that funny? fortunately with all the communiting time, there's a lot of time to write.
and then i thought, well, i could just blog. you know. and yet, i didn't feel like that was right, either.
the truth is, it's time for me to start another book, regardless of whether Nobody takes off or not. she's with another editor now, after favorable remarks from the first editor, so we shall have to see.
the thing is, i've rather forgotten what it means to write for myself, i think, and that's no so much of a good thing.
even the letters i write to kate occassionally are meant for someone else's eyes.
well. anyhow. the dilemma was solved when i felt another urge for telephonic contact, with my dad, who i haven't spoken in a long time.
it ended up being an hour-long conversation, which i've never actually had with my dad, so that was nice.
it was a little frustrating. i believe he actually said that hitler and napoleon had their good points, at which point i wanted to tell him to be sure not to say those things in public, lest he get booted in the face. good grief!
i mean, really. what he was getting at was that everyone has their goiod points. well. maybe.
fortunately we moved quickly off that topic, although it was funny that he chose to illustrate that point in such an extreme manner, because i have been thinking about people, weighing them, as it were.
all this occured because i had only three people i really missed during my birthday party, and one of them was someone i fully expected. she in fact *chose* to miss my birthday, knowing full well that it was an important one, and when she called late--late!--the next day, it started by her complaining what a horrible night it was.
jim says that i am being oversensitive. perhaps it's only because i feel like i've done a lot for this person. really gone out of my way for her. tried so hard to make her feel better, you know, during what could be argued as the most horrible time in a person's life. i have full-on invited her into my life, and i get this in payback. i needn't expect a gift or a card from her, i know.
the thing is, all of it was my choice. i know that. i gave to her freely of my own accord, and i have to accept responsiblity for that.
that doesn't mean it hurts any less. but her circumstances in the past six months have been egregious. i mustn't forget that. and, if i haven't just blown my lid by now, and told her i want nothing to do with her, i must on some level know that i like her. i must know that i want her in my life.
isn't friendship funny?
and, as i've mentioned before, that birthday party is by far the best i've ever had. the fact that i get to say that again year after year after year must say something.
i ought to be grateful. and i am. oh, i am. just a little pissy right now.
whatever. as it were i am having said, ah, offender to dinner tonight, along with some very good friends, one of which i've known since grade school, practically, and i get to see them and introduce them to my good friend Will, who is opening his very first national concert tonight.
i am very proud of will. i missed his birthday, and, because eVite sucks, he missed mine. (and the aforementioned unfortunate half-pushup performed by yours truly during said birthday.) so i am pleased to be able to go to see him tonight.
what a wonderful thing, to see your friends succeed.
i reiterate: i am a lucky, lucky girl.
off to create herbed steak, porkchops, sauteed spinach with shallots, and roasted potatoes for dinner this evening.
candace and todd are bringing dessert. i have a full stock of booze, and since it's just the beginning of fall, i get to re-introduce the very special cocktail i poached from a bartender in irvington.
lucky, lucky, lucky.
whee!

 

 

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